Love Me Dead
by I Am CrowK
Summary: Artemis and Butler, to prevent possible defeat in the future, go back in time (with the LEP's permission and help) to Milwaukee, 1990, to convince one lurking serial killer not to kill one of his victims... But, of course, Fowl's plan never quite works out as he expects...
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: this is weird. I'll just come right out and say that… this is weird. But don't judge me. Okay? No hate. Please. Fanfiction is for expressing your own ideas, and this is mine. :) Okay? Okay. :)**

Love Me Dead: Don't Be Charmed

Butler stood next to Artemis, walking down the block of Milwaukee. He kept a straight face, but was secretly nervous and slightly excited to meet their target.

"_We must use time travel." Artemis had gone to Root, Foaly, and Holly the day before, in Haven. They were gathered on either sides of a rectangular conference table._

"_What do you mean?" Holly had replied._

"_Our enemy is more powerful than we thought," said Butler. "It's hard to think that someone could match Artemis's intelligence, but someone can. Besides Foaly." The centaur grinned from beside Holly. "We've tried to break into their lab before, but we failed."_

"_And you will not help," Artemis had added._

"_No, we won't because we do not want to hurt anyone with our technology," Holly nodded._

Butler and Artemis turned a corner on the street.

"_But what does this have to do with time travel?" she continued._

"_The Miller family began with one man- or young man: Ernest Miller. He was murdered by a familiar name that I'm sure you know, Holly," Artemis had smiled. She looked at him blankly. "_Jeffrey Dahmer_."_

"_Ah, I see… But where is this going?"_

"_Patience. When Ernest was murdered, that left his family devastated, which drove them to unleash their inner brilliance. They are now a big threat to us because of Ernest's death. We want to- excuse me- we _will _go back in time to save Ernest from being killed by Dahmer, thus preventing their family from ever becoming competition to us."_

"_Very clever, mud boy," Root had said, "but like my captain said, we can't hurt anyone with our technology."_

"_You aren't hurting anyone. You're saving someone, in fact."_

"_But we would still be changing the past."_

"_True, but do not forget, you're also saving _yourselves_. When someone gets as smart as me, they start to… notice things." Artemis had stepped closer to her. "_Unusual _things. Changing the past may help you conceal your existence."_

_Holly thought this over._

"_I hardly ever agree with Fowl," said Foaly, "but he's right. The Millers _are_ going to notice us."_

_Root grunted. He wouldn't be convinced so easily._

"_Must I present my reasons again?" Artemis said, with an annoyed sigh. "Or will you just agree right now, so we don't waste any more time?"_

_Root hissed through his teeth. "Don't be so confident in yourself, Fowl."_

_Artemis smirked. "I am confident because I _win_."_

_Root brought his eyebrows together and glared at him. But he couldn't wipe the sly smile off of his face. Eventually, he clenched his jaws and said, "You have a deal. But I'm not risking my captain again to go back in time."_

_Holly and Artemis made eye contact, and both started thinking about the last time travel they had gone through together. She nodded slowly, telling him silently that she was not going to go back with him again. Artemis couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed, but he didn't _dare_ show it._

"_So it's decided," Artemis nodded. "Call_ _N°1, we'll go tomorrow."_

"Snap out of it, butler," his principal. He had stopped walking. "We're here."

In front of them were the Oxford Apartments, where the infamous serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer was still undiscovered.

"So let me get this straight…" Butler said. It was a minute later, and they were walking up the stairs. "We're going to walk into his apartment… and demand not to kill Ernest Miller."

"Yes," Artemis nodded. Somehow, to Butler, that plan seemed a bit empty.

"Why not prevent him from doing it in secret?"

"Because we do not know where Ernest will be. Not exactly, anyway. We don't know what time, either." They walked down the hall to Apartment 213. "Also," he smiled, "I want to meet Jeffrey Dahmer."

Butler sighed. "He has sex with dead boys that he kills and then cuts up," he whispered, "I'm concerned for your safety. It's only natural."

"I know all his tricks. Don't drink anything he offers you. And don't let yourself be tricked into being alone with him. And especially… _don't be charmed_."

"Artemis," the bodyguard said slowly, "I'd never be charmed by someone as sick and twisted as him."

"Good."

The boy knocked on Jeffrey's door, and after a few seconds of suspense it opened.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: thank you to the people who reviewed! I didn't expect to get reviews at all, let alone this fast. It's my first time on this sight, so thank you… :) Anyway, you can kinda see where I'm going with this at the end of the chapter. I hope you don't click away as soon as you find out. ;)**

Love Me Dead: You're Still Learning

The boy knocked on Jeffrey's door, and after a few seconds of suspense it opened. There were pictures of Jeffrey, of course, and videos, but it was nothing like seeing him in real life. There was still a bit of mystery to what he would look like.

A man with dirty blonde hair and rusted blue eyes stood in the doorway. He had a plaid shirt on, unbuttoned with a black shirt underneath. His hair was messy and not brushed, but it somehow made him better looking.

He leaned on the side of the doorway, a bottle in his hand, and that reminded Artemis and Butler that Jeffrey wasn't sober.

"What is it, kid?" he asked. He'd seen Artemis first, since he was shorter. But then he looked up to Butler, and stood there in astonishment. He locked their eyes. Not _let_ them lock; he _made_ it happen. Artemis's stomach turned, and got a horrible feeling about this, but he didn't say anything. "Hello…" Jeffrey said slowly, in a different tone.

"May we come in?" asked Butler. He remained stoic.

Jeffrey, captivated, nodded and let them in. In his mind, a plan hatched. With their backs to him, he smiled evilly.

"Can I offer you something to drink?" he asked nicely, while shutting the door.

Artemis smiled; he loved the feeling of being one step ahead. He turned around. "No thank you. We don't care for any of your sleeping pills."

Jeffrey stayed calm, even though inside he was freaking out. How could someone know?! "Sleeping pills? Why do you say that?" His lie was convincing.

"Because, Mr. Dahmer, I don't want to end up in your refrigerator."

Jeffrey grinned. He turned his head around. Artemis was very confused. "I'm shocked, kid," he chuckled.

Artemis's eyes widened and he glared at him. "Kid?" Artemis growled. For some reason he started to turn red, whether it was from embarrassment or anger.

"How did you know that stuff?"

"I… I just told you I knew you were a serial killer, and you hardly even _react?!_" he exclaimed.

"Well, I've taught myself to be calm in these situations. After all, you're just two people. Good liars are always calm… You're obviously still learning." Jeffrey grinned again, and drank some more out of his bottle.

Artemis couldn't believe himself. He just hissed furiously and sat down on the couch. Butler sat next to him, and Jeffrey walked over closer to them.

"You know who I am," the killer said. "Now who are you?"

"I am Artemis Fowl," Artemis said. "And this is my bodyguard, Butler."

"Butler, eh?" Jeffrey sat next to him. "Is that a last name, or a position?"

"A last name," Butler said.

"Then what's the first?"

"That's classified," Artemis said quickly.

"Uptight," Jeffrey mumbled. "But anyway, what's your business here, Fowl? Come to stop me?"

"No. We want you to spare one person. Ernest Miller."

"Who's he?" Jeffrey asked, drinking some more.

"One of your future victims. You'll kill him, which will lead to some problems in the future that conflict with Butler and my family."

There was a short pause before anyone talked again. "Wait, hold up… you're from the future?" he asked, cocking his head and looking at Butler. Their faces were close.

"Yes," Butler said slowly, putting his hand on his shoulder and pushing Jeffrey away.

Artemis knew what was going on, and he started figuring out how to prevent it. He knew that if Jeffrey wanted something, he was going to go to his grave trying to get it. Persistence was always the key; Artemis knew this better than anyone.

"Why should I believe you? You could be lying," Jeffrey said.

"How would we know you're a serial killer?"

"There's ways."

Artemis was prepared for this, like always. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a slip of paper. "Turn on your TV," he said. "To the horse race happening today."

Jeffrey did as he instructed. The race was just starting, and he took the slip of paper from him, then looked at him curiously.

"I researched who was going to win this race," Artemis explained. "It's going to be exact; down to the very last second."

They had a minute left, and the three sat in silence. Jeffrey looked at Butler, and smirked at him. Butler tried to avoid his gaze, but couldn't. He felt himself blush, but glared at the same time, and Artemis caught this. The child tapped his bodyguard's arm, making him look away from the killer. Jeffrey glared at Artemis, who didn't pay any attention to him.

Then the race ended, with the right horse winning at the exact time that Artemis had said. He looked at Jeffrey with a proud smile on his face.

"Okay fine, I believe you, kid," Jeffrey admitted, looking at Artemis from the corner of his eye. "But I don't like missing a chance to kill. This Ernest must be my type, so if I agree to this I want something in exchange."

"Name your price," Artemis challenged.

"Oh, I don't want money."

Jeffrey, from the side of Butler the kid couldn't see, took Butler's hand in his and squeezed it. His face grew red, but Dahmer just smiled. To his great happiness, the bodyguard didn't pull away.

"I'll leave Miller alone…" he smirked evilly, "if I get to go on a date with Butler."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: god, I'm so sorry that this is so short. But I couldn't extend it and I needed to leave it off where it left off. So… I hope you like it anyway. :)**

Love Me Dead: Don't Deny it

"I'll leave Miller alone…" he smirked evilly, "if I get to go on a date with Butler."

Butler's eyes widened, and his heart stopped beating for a few seconds. He moved closer to Artemis, who was also utterly _shocked_ at Jeffrey's suggestion.

"Wha- what?" Butler cried.

"I want to go on a date with you," Dahmer smirked. "You're not really the kind of guy I would usually go for… but it's totally hot when you glare at me."

Butler was choking on Jeffrey's words. "No… no way I'm going to-"

"Deal," Artemis interrupted. Butler turned his head to his principal, with a horrified expression on his face.

"Great. We'll go to dinner and a movie. My treat."

"Artemis," Butler hissed, "why would you-?!"

"What time?" the kid asked.

"7:30. But I want to know his first name."

"It's Domovoi," Artemis said. He had noticed Butler's glare, but didn't react to it. "It's not like it's going to matter any. It's just one date, and then we'll leave him alone."

Butler growled and looked away. "It's not that I don't have any objections…" he mumbled.

"Okay then." Jeffrey was still grinning.

"We'll be going, then," the child said, standing up. Domovoi stood up with him, and followed him to the door.

"Thanks, kid," the killer smiled, very happy. He stood in the doorway when they were out in the hall. "I'll see you tonight, Dommy. Dress nice." He winked, and closed the door.

Butler turned and glared at Artemis, who slightly smiled up at him.

"Why would you do that?" he whispered.

"We need him to not kill Ernest. It was a small sacrifice." He began to walk away. Then he stopped. "Also I know you like it when he looks at you."

Butler was growing warm. "B-but of course I don-"

"Don't deny it, Domovoi." He walked away once more, and Butler followed him hesitantly. He was right… he did like it.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: short again. I'm really sorry. But this chapter was fun to write… And I love you, my fans. I was really expecting a lot of hate on this story because of, 1, Jeffrey Dahmer being in it, and 2, Butler going on a DATE with Jeffrey. But it turns out that people are much awesomer than I thought! Thank you all for your support. :)**

Love Me Dead: I Hate When People Leave Me

Right after they left Dahmer's apartment, Artemis dragged Butler out to the mall to get a nice suit for him. Butler wasn't completely onboard, though (of course).

"Artemis," he sighed, "I still don't understand why we have to do this."

"We cannot let Jeffrey kill Ernest, and this is the only way. He said for you to dress nice," the principal said, studying a tuxedo.

"I _have _a suit," he argued, pulling on the tie he had on.

"He's going to notice that it's the same one. We must take every precaution." Artemis waited for a few seconds, and then handed him an outfit. "Now try this on."

Butler sighed, but reluctantly walked to the dressing rooms. He disappeared behind the curtain, and Artemis heard a voice behind him.

"Hello, kid."

He turned around and saw Jeffrey. He sighed.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I need a tuxedo too, you know," Dahmer smiled. "I save the little cash I have, so I don't usually need something for nice dinners."

"You're paying for it, though."

"True. But it's polite and I want him to enjoy what time we have together." Artemis didn't like the type of smile that Jeff had glued on his face.

"But you know it's only one date, right?" the boy reminded him. He narrowed his eyes. "Don't get attached. Once this is all over, Butler and I are going back to the future." His tone was so bitter.

Jeffrey frowned. His eyes clouded up and he looked away. "Don't remind me," he responded grimly.

"Don't hide from the truth, Dahmer."

"I'd rather live in the moment," Jeffrey hissed. "Tonight is going to be great, and I will enjoy it while it lasts. Don't you know it, I hate when people leave me!"

Artemis's expression sharpened. He nodded curtly, and started to turn away. But then stopped.

"One rule," he continued. "No intercourse."

Jeffrey chuckled. "Like he would let me anyway…" Artemis held back a chuckle. No use in letting him know that he was fond of his sense of humor.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: f.r.e.a.k.i.n.g. heck it's short again. I'm sorry, I'm just frustrated with myself… but I'm posting such short chapters in such a short period of time cause you're going to have to wait for the next one! It's going to take some time to write… but I won't give you anymore suspense. Next chapter WILL be the date. ;)**

Love Me Dead: A Farfetched Thought, Not So Much Anymore

At 7:30 that night, Domovoi stood in a bow tie in front of Jeffrey's door. Artemis was around the corner, making sure his bodyguard wasn't going to bail. Not that he didn't trust him, but it was always good to check. Butler took a deep breath, and then, with a trembling hand, knocked on Jeffrey's door.

_I can't believe I'm actually doing this, _he thought regretfully.

Jeffrey felt exactly the opposite. He was psyched and ready to go! He knew that he shouldn't get his hopes up too high; Domovoi probably wouldn't even let him kiss him. But even so, it was going to be a great date and he knew it.

He was looking in the mirror at himself, grinning with confidence. Then he heard a knock at his door, and smiled wider.

_I haven't smiled in a while… _Jeffrey thought to himself, as he walked to the door. _It feels really nice._

Dahmer opened the door to see Domovoi standing there, with a fabulous white bow tie suit that brought out his shining green eyes. Jeffrey stared with a dreamy smile on his face. He could tell that Butler was disgusted, though.

"You look amazing…" the killer whispered.

"And… you look nice as well…"

Jeffrey grinned. "Thank you, Dommy."

"Please don't call me that."

"I'll call you whatever I like. Now, let's go to that movie."

Domovoi nodded hesitantly, and walked down the stairs with him.

Artemis was watching this, and was now sure that everything was going to take place. He now knew that the Millers _were, _in fact, going to be stopped. At the same time, he felt slightly bad for his bodyguard, but it was all going to be worth it.

Maybe even Butler would come to love Jeffrey, and be happy too.

Wait, no, what was he thinking?! Artemis cursed himself. Domovoi could _not_ be with a serial killer. Artemis wouldn't let it happen! Neither would Butler. But somehow… the thought didn't seem too farfetched anymore.


End file.
